Whenever I am feeling some sort of emotional cocktail of self loathing and self congratulation, I will hit up Vice's DOs & DON'Ts. Today's trip has found, in place of the standard, self-aggrandizing, self-championing, fashion crap, some captions so powerfully, surreally ironic that my head exploded into a wave of thick framed black glasses. I think they had a guest writer or something. They did. Her name is Megan Amram. She is awesome.
"Here we have a representative from the Boy Scouts of America. As you can see, he is a very accomplished Boy Scout. He has gotten badges in Black Power, Black Power East Coast, and Fist (Black Power). That’s basically Eagle Scout! Next badges on his list: Helping the Elderly and Black Power!"
"This was the original idea for the Abbey Road cover. John two fists deep up his tooter. Paul about to fall down because he drank too many Skinny Margaritas at Tortilla Flats and now he’s going to drunk-text his ex and tell him he’s pregnant. Bigger than Jesus!!"
"Know how to spot a man who is about to practice a long bout of autoerotic asphyxiation? Scarf or beltlike structure? Check. Kermit, Pikachu, or Jessica Rabbit sweatshirt? Check. Red hair? At any given time, 100% of gingers are hanging themselves to dingle their Lunchables."
"Instead of tattoo removal, her other option is to tattoo a squiggly red Microsoft Word typo line under “Chaer.” Does that happen? That would be so cool."
"Total butterfaces."
"This woman is an underwear mule. She had to smuggle her underwear across the border by stuffing it up her ass. She is smuggling her underwear shoved a foot up her ass. It’s like drugs but it’s her underwear. It’s going across the border."
Then his trainer starts crying. The old guy's losing his shit, weeping like a baby. He runs toward Rocky, stumbling, then wraps his arms around the boxer to try to get him to stop because he's scared. "Why you doing such a thing to the beef, Rocky? What in the world is going on in here ya big lug?" Rocky tries to shrug off the trainer, but relents. His eyes contain a cold fury. They remain locked on the big old slab of meat in front of him. "Trainer," Rocky replies to his trainer, "I went to the doctors. They told me I'm... they said... I'm made of meat. I thought they was joking, but they hooked me up to a computer machine and the printout said 'meat'. I want to punch this meat until the truth goes away."
