Some Flippin' Choice DOs & DON'Ts

Whenever I am feeling some sort of emotional cocktail of self loathing and self congratulation, I will hit up Vice's DOs & DON'Ts. Today's trip has found, in place of the standard, self-aggrandizing, self-championing, fashion crap, some captions so powerfully, surreally ironic that my head exploded into a wave of thick framed black glasses. I think they had a guest writer or something. They did. Her name is Megan Amram. She is awesome.

"Here we have a representative from the Boy Scouts of America. As you can see, he is a very accomplished Boy Scout. He has gotten badges in Black Power, Black Power East Coast, and Fist (Black Power). That’s basically Eagle Scout! Next badges on his list: Helping the Elderly and Black Power!"

"This was the original idea for the Abbey Road cover. John two fists deep up his tooter. Paul about to fall down because he drank too many Skinny Margaritas at Tortilla Flats and now he’s going to drunk-text his ex and tell him he’s pregnant. Bigger than Jesus!!"

"Know how to spot a man who is about to practice a long bout of autoerotic asphyxiation? Scarf or beltlike structure? Check. Kermit, Pikachu, or Jessica Rabbit sweatshirt? Check. Red hair? At any given time, 100% of gingers are hanging themselves to dingle their Lunchables."

"Instead of tattoo removal, her other option is to tattoo a squiggly red Microsoft Word typo line under “Chaer.” Does that happen? That would be so cool."

"Total butterfaces."

"This woman is an underwear mule. She had to smuggle her underwear across the border by stuffing it up her ass. She is smuggling her underwear shoved a foot up her ass. It’s like drugs but it’s her underwear. It’s going across the border."