Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Rocky wants to win the boxing fight.

Rocky wants to win the boxing fight. He moves his body so that it gets muscles. Rocky drinks eggs because it makes him stronger so he can punch the other guy. He runs while his trainer drives a car, so that he may become a car, and outwit his opponent. Rocky goes to a beef house where there's all this meat and beef and it's cold. He starts going nuts, punching all the meats. It's the scariest thing you've ever seen in your life, this guy beating the heck out of these beef bodies hanging from hooks. At first you think he's doing it because he wants to get strong, to beat the other boxing man by vanquishing larger opponents and making his fists tough. Then his trainer starts crying. The old guy's losing his shit, weeping like a baby. He runs toward Rocky, stumbling, then wraps his arms around the boxer to try to get him to stop because he's scared. "Why you doing such a thing to the beef, Rocky? What in the world is going on in here ya big lug?" Rocky tries to shrug off the trainer, but relents. His eyes contain a cold fury. They remain locked on the big old slab of meat in front of him. "Trainer," Rocky replies to his trainer, "I went to the doctors. They told me I'm... they said... I'm made of meat. I thought they was joking, but they hooked me up to a computer machine and the printout said 'meat'. I want to punch this meat until the truth goes away."
[From Unnecessary Movie Twists on Something Awful.]

Feliz Navidad!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Some Flippin' Choice DOs & DON'Ts

Whenever I am feeling some sort of emotional cocktail of self loathing and self congratulation, I will hit up Vice's DOs & DON'Ts. Today's trip has found, in place of the standard, self-aggrandizing, self-championing, fashion crap, some captions so powerfully, surreally ironic that my head exploded into a wave of thick framed black glasses. I think they had a guest writer or something. They did. Her name is Megan Amram. She is awesome.

"Here we have a representative from the Boy Scouts of America. As you can see, he is a very accomplished Boy Scout. He has gotten badges in Black Power, Black Power East Coast, and Fist (Black Power). That’s basically Eagle Scout! Next badges on his list: Helping the Elderly and Black Power!"


"This was the original idea for the Abbey Road cover. John two fists deep up his tooter. Paul about to fall down because he drank too many Skinny Margaritas at Tortilla Flats and now he’s going to drunk-text his ex and tell him he’s pregnant. Bigger than Jesus!!"

"Know how to spot a man who is about to practice a long bout of autoerotic asphyxiation? Scarf or beltlike structure? Check. Kermit, Pikachu, or Jessica Rabbit sweatshirt? Check. Red hair? At any given time, 100% of gingers are hanging themselves to dingle their Lunchables."

"Instead of tattoo removal, her other option is to tattoo a squiggly red Microsoft Word typo line under “Chaer.” Does that happen? That would be so cool."

"Total butterfaces."
"This woman is an underwear mule. She had to smuggle her underwear across the border by stuffing it up her ass. She is smuggling her underwear shoved a foot up her ass. It’s like drugs but it’s her underwear. It’s going across the border."

Saturday, August 11, 2012

BODY REMIX

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Friday, July 13, 2012


nietzsche family circus cartoon
The essence of all beautiful art, all great art, is gratitude.
Nietzsche Family Circus generator.  Do it.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

And oh how indifferent they are.

I'm not usual one to post porn on here, but... INDIFFERENT CATS IN AMATEUR PORN.  Not safe for work.  Obvs.

Oops, that's only the picture site.  For the real gold, go to the video site.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Mad Karate Man

You just lost minutes of your life, FOREVER.  How will you live with yourself?  Probably by playing more of this awesome game.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Pointless Fun with GW2 Forum Signatures

Sigs for each of my characters. Further proof that I am a narrative-obsessed altoholic with no clue about how to contrast type-color against a background.

The sigs were made with this generator.


Direct descendant of a legendary necromancer, who helped to close the door of Komali, fought against Shiro Tagachi, stood beside Kormir at the fall of Abbadon, and silenced the first rise of Primordus. From his ancestor and namesake, Udai has inherited the blessing and curse of the Betrayers guild, an ancient Elonian order who stood beside and eventually betrayed the lich-lord, Palawa Joko. In the Betrayer tradition, Udai was cast from his parents with only his name and a magical scar binding him to his ancestor's spirit. It is now Udai's burdern to continue the absolution of his bloodline, in the name of Grenth, until that bloodline ceases to be.


Descendant of the much sung of human hero, Gren Irongrot, known by the Norn as Gren the Small, who, after the defeat of the heralds of Primordus, was magically transformed into a Norn. In the tradition of her people, Greyna seeks glory and the immortality of legend. She fears being hidden in the long shadow of her ancestor, but a blazing fire burns in her heart.

Zerrol, silent as ash; Zerrol the backstabber; Zerrol the serpent-bellied; even among the Charr, Zerrol is known for her ruthlessness. Sired by a gladium, one who turned his back on the sisters and brothers of his warband, Zerrol has never known honor. Neither does she care for it. For Zerrol, the only measure for a warrior is her success on the battlefield. Honor and glory mean nothing if one has failed.

Through the windings of fate, she met the human, Udai, who has now become her travelling companion and closest compatriot. His aloof melancholy resonates with her disillusionment and cynicism. She often tells him, "if you weren't such a hairless worm of a thing, I might make a mate of you."

Barza is both revered and reviled by the krewe members he has worked with. A master of the theory and philosophy of the Eternal Alchemy, Barza's talent for conceiving and plotting new theories of magical science is matched by few. However, the same passion and curiosity that drive Barza to create or re-think concepts also lead him to leave or lose interest in projects quickly. Barza's selfish caprice has, more than once, left a krewe at a loss as he moved on without fully explaining the new theories he employed.

Most recently, one such loss of interest resulted in a serious accident as the project's krewe was unable to properly contain a new power source Barza had drafted. The severity of the damage and injury to multiple krewe members rendered the event a public matter, throwing Barza's standing with the College of Synergetics into danger. Fickle as he is, Barza is cold and serious about his work and he now begrudgingly focuses his efforts into material rather than cerebral matters so that he might return to good standing in his college.

Lana Etham was born into a line of Krytan crafters and merchants dating back to before the Krytan Civil War. While she loves her family and deeply respects its tradition, the humble life of a merchant's daughter was not for her. Instead, Lana created a second persona for herself that she lived after sunset. Quickly, the name, Shadow Quickwhisper, spread through the Salma district as Lana used her talents to protect her community against everything from gangs and thugs to exploitative and greedy politicians and bankers. This fulfilled her for some time, but, as the centaur tribes began to encroach upon human settlements, tragedy struck and Lana's sister was lost and presumed dead. It was no longer enough to defend her community, so Lana revealed her secret identity to her family and then pledged service to the Krytan military. Both reluctant and proud, her family supports her decision and Lana now serves the entire kingdom as Shadow Quickwhisper.

Monday, January 2, 2012