A game that you probably need to buy...

So I was looking into artistic games and I think I may have found something on par with Portal, Shadow of the Colossus, and Braid. Another commenter on Kotaku suggested I look into a Russian game called The Void. It's on Steam and it's in a holiday bundle package that only costs $5 (which includes a couple zombie games and the ham-fisted but intriguing retelling of red-riding hood, The Path).

Well, I have to say that after an hour or so of play, it seems to be unbelievably good. I mean seriously. It's subtle, mysterious, it has innovative gameplay, and it's actually well programmed.

The best description I can give is an open-ended first person adventure with an Okami-esque paintbrush system and a mysterious plot. It seems to draw inspiration from a lot of sources including Legend of Zelda, Bioshock, the Sims, and Super Mario Brothers 3 but it feels most similar to Myst to me. You definitely get that same plot setup of being thrown into a world with its own pre-existing story and its your job to figure out what is going on.

I definitely recommend checking it out. If you buy this game on Steam for $5 and you don't think it's worth it, I will re-imburse you. No foolin'. (by you I of course mean the people I know on this blog with me, not you creepy Joe lurker who doesn't actually exist because no one else reads this blog)

What follows is me trying to further explain the plot (or what I got of it in the hour+ before I lost the game; my loss was fair and square though).

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The plot, from what I have gathered thus far, is that you (or maybe "you?" would be a better description since you have absolutely no clue who or what you actually are) are a new arrival to a sort of limbo/purgatory. Hauntingly empty and withered are good descriptions of the landscape (which still manages to have a lot of character despite being pretty bleak). You are tasked with survival by maintaining "Color" in your body which is the only separation between this limbo place and true death. The only other living being (initially) is an unnamed member of a group of beings calling themselves Sisters (seemingly human females, though the likelihood of that seems pretty slim). She sort of guides you and is trying to prepare you for the return of the Brothers who are the Sisters' protectors/keepers/jailers and the de facto rulers of the Void. Of course, from jump she is of questionable trustworthiness and that only seems to dwindle as the game progresses. Where I stopped (read "lost the game") the Brothers had shown up, they gave me a warm welcome as their new apprentice and I promptly violated that and got a bunch of super beings super-pissed at me. Anti-climatically I then ran out of color and died because I am apparently a bad manager of that resource.

What was so great about all this is the real sense that you are totally alone and you must rely upon yourself. As much as I was just playing through the tutorial, I never felt that safe coddled feeling of tutorials these days. There is a really well achieved balance of giving you what you need to survive and keeping you totally in the dark. The game also has follow through you don't normally see. When the Brothers showed up, in relatively friendly terms they told me to follow their rules which boil down to "don't waste color." Well, I was fiddling around trying to get the hang of the starter spell (my one gripe is how hard it can be to use the most central spell) and cleaning out some of the parasitic enemies in the game when an angry voice talks into my head telling me I broke the rules. I brush it off, keep fucking around, and two minutes later I get a really threatening message from one of the Brother's telling me that he or one of the others is on the way to beat my shit out in the next time cycle...

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble now, but I really really like this game. It's impressive and it's regretful that isn't more widely talked about because it seems to be among the games which show how video games really can do more than just be "fun." I doubt that my description of it really did it justice, so please, if you have a spare $5, buy this game. I don't think you will be disappointed.

*As I say above, my one and only gripe is that it can be really hard to paint the primary glyph. If you have problems as I did, I suggest giving it a quick Google or Youtube search since there are a couple things explaining the trick to it.

godl / blackbody

This is a random drawing project I decided to do today. The background still needs something but my experiments thus far for the background have failed. I gotta say, I'm pretty pleased thus far.

Is Eric Warheim Some Sort of Artistic Genius? (NSFW)

So, I just learned that Eric Warheim (the tall one from Tim & Eric) directed a Major Lazer video that I have always thought was pretty awesome: Pon de Floor.

That's all good and reasonable enough. But then he made this parody [NSFW] of his own video.

Now, here's the thing: the parody seems to misunderstand that the dancing and sexuality of the first video are parodies themselves. So we have an ignorant parody of a parody, both of which are directed by the same guy.

Maybe I am reading too much into everything, but it seems like the parodying doesn't just double up but rather echoes on into some sort of infinite madness. Either that or the colors from the second video are the straw that broke my brain.

One of them.

Ahh Deadline-cember

This sort of sums up how I feel right now. Happy everything-is-due-and-you-think-you-might-actually-explode-like-for-realzies-December.

Read everything you want into that. Really, do it. The more you read into that the better. Talk to people eventually.

Addition: You should probably, definitely go to the Something Awful 2010 holiday shopping guide (which supplied the above image). If you don't go, you'll never know about Thor-John. Not only is he an "ultra expert in the military arts and specialist," he also provides a "choking hazard" (which is a pretty graphic suggestion for a children's soldier toy, but hey, it's a dark and gritty world for a 6 year old*).

*I know I am the one to post this pic, but what the shit man?

I was looking for ALBoT Inspiration...

And I found this. Well, as a result, I no longer have enough energy to write another survival guide entry, but I did make this sweet ass cyborg gladiator.

Oh ALBoT... One day I'll find the time to love you proper.

Go to the bottom of the artist's post in the link for the sweet ass character builder.

Something Awful: Truly Outrageous, Truly, Truly, Truly Outrageous

So, Something Awful never fails to disappoint me in humanity but at least when it does so, it placates my shame for the species with laughs. However, today they posted a gallery of dual awesomeness. Check it out. Some of the best work I have seen out of SA in a while.

Workin' Gherkin/Safety Signs

What's that now?

A new article from the Arenanet devs on Guild Wars 2 you say? Great. But, what? Nuh uh... You're kidding right. Are you sure the language they use suggests that it could be a year or more before the game comes out... FUUUuuuuuu... I don't even have the energy for all that right now.

"When It's Ready" by Eric Flanunum, lead game designer

Fuck. At least Guild Wars 1 still rocks.

I set you up..

And the gaming industry punches you in the craw.

If you were unaware of my current upcoming-game obsession, which, based on my stellar record of pre-release recommendations (STALKER, Spore, APB), can't help but be a glorious Hindenberg of a letdown, it is Guild Wars 2.

Video Games | Guild Wars 2 | Evil Rises Trailer

XBox 360 | Playstation 3 | Nintendo Wii

Let's go down the Cyrus-is-about-to-break-all-of-your-hearts-by-telling-you-to-buy-a-sure-to-be-shitty-game checklist:

-seasoned development team with at history of solid games under their belts (Diablo 2, WoW network programming, Guild Wars): check

-awesome looking videos, concept art, and screenshots: check

-exciting and ground breaking game concept: check (NCSoft even wrote their own MMO manifesto)

-obscene level of excitement over the game on my own part: definitely

So, following the trend, there is no way this can't be the worst game you will ever play ever. Seriously, it will be a huge let down and you will all cry and vomit intermittently (and interminably) if you buy this game.

So yeah, go ahead and look this up. It's surefire.

Oh, and since GW2 is TBA with an expected release date in 2011, if you need another game recommendation to shit all over your life, it shouldn't be too long before Brink comes out. Check that out too.

And remember, even though, as a person, I love you guys, as the host for the undying demon of disappointment fuck every pet you will ever own ever. I fucking love to see you guys unhappy.

Pretty Sure I've Seen This Before...

But damn if it's not amazing.

Everyone Loves Zoology!

It's Late, I'm Worried About This Test Tomorrow...

What will make me happy? These:

Here are a couple others that brought me great joy but had embedding disabled:
A Clockwork Orange

The Hangover

Cabin Fever (don't worry, it's not anything horrible, though it totally could have been)

American Psycho

And, of course, Susan Boyle's big moment on the British version of American Idol. Yes, it's probably called British Idol; I am just too lazy to look it up

To try to bring some good back to the face of this blog...

and also to bring some good back to the word "goosh" I present this video. I literally had my hands mashed to the sides of my head in confusion the whole time. Please, please tell me this is a real Gusher's ad campaign in Germany.

Goosh, Good, Great!

So, you may or may not have heard of "Goosh Goosh." Well, yeah, it's horrible. But this... THIS IS GREAT!

NSFW unless you work in a rape factory.

If you want something that is totally work safe, try to tide yourself over with this.

Glorious... Just glorious.

"Soon, we will deploy our word bomb and kill them all."

Two things:

1. Check out this episode of Unskippable. It's pretty sweet.

2. The other night, boredom and curiosity drove me to try the Endless Forest. Now before you go blasting air through your various lip+tongue+teeth combinations to make the most disgusted "psshhhh" sound ever, hear out an experiment for yourself.

The Endless Forest is something akin to a free MMOG about a forest filled with a herd of that creepy man-faced god-deer from Princess Mononoke. There's just one thing. The game is free form. I mean literally and completely free form. There are no levels. There are no given quests or tasks. In a traditional game sense, there are hardly activities. You can't even type a message to other players. Its a lot like an MMO with everything stripped away except for the scenery, emotes, and some random little interactive items.

So this is nothing like your standard gaming experience. Imagining playing this for an extended period of time does, in fact sound pretty silly. But throw all that away for a moment and try this out. Cast aside your traditional game goals and you should probably also cast aside your qualms about how you should behave as an adult male. Try out the game for 30 minutes to an hour with the purpose of exploring how your social interactions can be made into "games" of their own despite the fact that you have no clue what the players on the other end are actually thinking/aiming at. I doubt you'll find anything deeply profound, but, you will have a unique experience that few other games drive at.

My choice to explore this game was influenced by this article discussing the way that the game reshapes "play." Also, reading this page and this page from the game's website helped me some with getting a hang of what I could actually do.

Stop Being Such A Pedophile... Dan

This is really reminds me of David Firth's work, but you know, with less cursing and murder.

Vindictus

I know some of us...not mentioning any names, so we'll call them Byrus and Dabian.....fell for APB and it eventually failed. I am all about friggin FREE these days, and came across this little gem. It's still in Beta, but it's pretty fun. No more turn based mmo, it's all live and reminds me of a Zelda-dynasty warriors environment. I encourage you guys to check it out. I'm waiting for the full version to come out..


http://vindictus.nexon.net/

APB... for Free?

As would be expected there is a private server project up for APB. If you are interested, check it out. It appears to be setup in a way that even if you didn't buy the game, you should be able to download and play it. If you are so inclined, check it out.

Action District

The Sandwich of Jubilex

This is literally the ugliest "sandwich" I have ever seen. This is the type of sandwich you find in a D&D random encounter. Just to avoid having what appears to be a foot-long mutilated vagina at the top of Last Blog, I am just going to link to the video instead of embedding.

You enter a low-ceilinged dungeon. A couple of magical torches barely light the room leaving pools of unknowable darkness in the corners. In the middle of the room is an ancient stone table with emblems of eating utensils etched into the stone. In the middle of the table rests what appears to be a turkey hoagie. But, as you approach the sandwich, it's true nature becomes apparent. *Roll for fortitude*

As a far more appetizing image, I will close with this picture of Jubilex:

addition: Having barely survived your encounter with the Sandwich of Jubilex, a dessert demon materializes wielding a bowl of unknowable horror. Sugar pours from between his white-peppermint fangs as he cracks a smile. His shiny licorice jelly-bean eyes glimmer with cruel glee as he says "I hope you left room for dessert."

additional addition: *minor encounter* slimy lizard cake attacks

This is the gaming experience I am waiting for...

INTERNET LINK EXPLOSION!!!

Maybe Guild Wars 2 or Portal 2 will be this fantastic...

But I can never trust myself again...

APB...

Is TF2 the solution to all the world's problems?

Maybe... Maybe.

I Should Be Working Right Now But...

I just couldn't remember how many ladles of chili go in a large dining-room purposed bowl. Sing it out for me man:

The Craziest Video I Have Seen All Week...

Is Lionel Richie's "Hello." What. The. Fuck.

Is he her high-school teacher? I get that the singing is in his head but what about the stalking... the vicious, vicious stalking? This is crazy on so many levels.

I am sure that I'm behind the times on this one, but you see things when you see them.

"What's That Newfangled Mine-Raft Doohicky?"

"All the kids keep talking about it but I don't get it. Why would you need a raft in a mine? Is it flooded?"

"No grandpa, it's called Minecraft."

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I don't get it."

So, if you are an internet junky like me (and I know you guys are at least a little) then you have at least heard about Minecraft. It's amazing. It is the newest most refined and addictive form of computer drug ever. It will suck your life away... In a good way... Sort of.

Well, it's an amazing game anyway. If you've heard of it but still don't get it, watch this interview. It explains everything.

Ok, I lied. That interview explains nothing. You should probably just check out the game for yourself. It's fantastic. Download it here then you can play for free. At the login screen just type nothing and hit "login" then "play offline." You can also buy a full account for $9 to have access to multiplayer, customizable player skins, and some other features too which I am not entirely sure of. Check it out first though. It will ruin you life bring you endless joy.

The Greatest Web App or the Very Greatest Web App?

The Bayifier. You want it. You know you do. *SPLOOM!*

Go here to get awesome again.

MY REAL NAME! BUT WHY!?

NAME RAGE!!!

So I've joined a group working on an artistic/academic project. It seems like it should be exciting and all but they are using blogger and, as a result, I am changing my name (hopefully temporarily) just so I don't show up as the only person with a weird name in the project. I am curious, does anyone know a way in which I could have S!R DOOM for Last Blog and then my real name for this other blog? I have been searching around and I can't find anything like that. Damnit universe, conform to me I say. Conform to me!

So I've been thinking...

Late last night I was playing TF2. As any gentleman gamer knows, the choice of head wear one sports while destroying his enemies is of dire importance. Well, I had been putting my long hours of gametime and item drops into the hopes of finally snatching up a desired hat for my favorite class, the Pyro. Well last night, I finally collected all 70-some items needed to craft a class-specific piece of head gear, but, when I crafted everything together I received one of the Pyro hats I had absolutely no interest in.

This left me a little fed up with the crafting/drop system. It took me my entire TF2 career to gather all of those items and I imagine it will take another extremely long time to get the same number again. This drove me to do the one thing which I have always hated the concept of: achievement boxing. As I have played TF2 I have never purposely set foot in an achievement server and it has been a point of personal pride that every single achievement I have managed to pick up has been done entirely within the scope of regular gameplay. And while I still stand by my rule of never getting an achievement in TF2 through achievement boxing, I have taken to sitting on the idling servers to quickly mass up on items so as to be able to get more chances at crafting the hats I want.

And this makes me wonder: is this a failure of some sort? Is it a failure on the devs part that the effort and time put in is not rewarded? Is it a failure on the community's part for standardizing what is essentially cheating the system? Is it a failure on my part for not understanding what hats represent and accepting their role in the system?

This makes me think back to a distant conversation Cello and I had about achievements and cheat codes in games. In general, what should the roles of the achievement and the cheat code be? If a cheat or an achievement only affects me, what is the connection between pride/morality and each on its own? And what about when one cheats to get achievements? What about that?

I don't know good sirs. I only have questions today. Anybody have any thoughts or any questions which might further shape or re-direct my own?

And So They Dubbed Him: King of Wheelchair Basketball

Was Durkheim Predicting the Superman Dilemna?

"Imagine a being liberated from all external restraint, a despot still more absolute than those of which history tells us, a despot that no external power can restrain or influence. By definition, the desires of such a being are irresistible. Shall we say, then, that he is all-powerful? Certainly not, since he himself cannot resist his desires. They are masters of him, as of everything else... One cannot be master of himself when he has within him forces that, by definition cannot be mastered"

-Emile Durkheim from Spirit of Discipline

Dear Internet, Thank You

LET'S STAY HEALTH CONSCIOUS

Alrigth all you good people out there. It's time to get in shape. Get out your yoga mat. Put on your sweat bands. Get a bottle of water and maybe a punching bag filled with granola or something like that. Let's begin:

One and two and wait... Wait, what the fuck are we doing again?

"Like monkeys don't signify"

-a hipster lady at the bookstore when I asked her if they had a copy of Signifying Monkey by Skip Gates.

Anyway, on to the larger post which is actually pretty short and is actually related to signification (i.e. riffing on past things, often for parody). Hip-hop is a musical form which is built around signification. But what happens when you re-signify a crazy hip-hop signification (actually it happens all the time but that's not the point). See below, a song from a commercial, turned into a song about guns, re-applied to said original commercial. Amazing*

*the poster does not officially support any music created by "50 Cent" or any other "G-Unit" members though he does occasionally bob his head to their songs because hey, everybody makes a jam once in a while... Even Nickelback... MARCELLO

Drawing Experiments

I've been sort of pre-working on a story/comic I want to do. Problem is (besides vicious slow-startery as always) I'm not a visual artist. I do have my ideas though and I've been fiddling some with Fabe's bamboo pad. Well, here is my first attempt at drawing some of my character concepts on the computer. I have a shit-ton in my notebooks but somehow it feels good to get it digital.

I've been thinking some a bout how I want to do coloring for the book (since coloring is my weakest and also the most annoying aspect of art for me) and I had thought about something which is essentially anti-coloring like this. Then again, I don't know how nice this swishy anti-coloring would look when it is smacking into backgrounds and all that as well. Hmmm, something to think about and test I guess.

Depict1

Click this link. Play this game. Do not scroll down and read the author's comments before you play the game. Read nothing about the game before you play the game. It should take you something like 30 minutes to play. Enjoy.

Clark Kent: Grownup Man-Baby

It's true.

Work in Progress

I'm currently trying to work on A.L.B.o.T.'s website. I'm using the same basic template that Sam used since it just seems pretty damn intuitive. I haven't don't much work on the game over the past couple days but I am hoping to do a little each day. Sam and Cello have both given me some of their character ideas and it all seems pretty exciting. I really look forward to this project getting up and running (which is still a ways away).

I love the weekly Kotaku 'Shop Contest

This week it's a strange but fitting mash-up with video games and Antiques Roadshow. It's a world of possibilities with video game items. I've fallen back in love with TF2 since I returned to NYC so I thought I might do a little tribute to one of my favorite items. I was just lucky and found the picture with the guy making the perfect face and the owner having tons of potential for being made into the Sniper.

p.s. if anyone wants to actually play some TF2, I am rip raring to go. I've learned that I'm not a very good Engineer and I've found a new existence for the Demoman as a melee monster.

*addition* I actually didn't read the post before I started working on my idea, I just went off of the pictures that others were posting. Well, after reading, this contest was inspired by the fact that Namco trademarked the name "Antiques Roadshow the Game," and an alternative option was to depict what gameplay could possibly be like. After deliberation, here's my second entry:

p.p.s. In case anybody was wondering: it's a fucking bitch to photoshop a hat onto somebody. Making glasses into tinted shades however - smooth as butter.

As Insane As It Gets

Traffic Laws in Appalachia are Pretty Crazy

At least the HOVs get the flamethrower. Must really encourage carpooling.

Dancing Pigeons - Ritalin from Blink on Vimeo.

It's too late for your future

You have already will have going to be dying by the time you finish reading this. Know why? Because there is a new song, from the future which was in Blade Runner, but it wasn't. But it is going to was be. It's by Justin Bieber. From the past. The past of your future. Maybe that is going to be your future now when you have already read this.

Ok, that's all was lies when I typed this before your current future's past. But this is by Justin Bieber. And it sure as hell does sound like something that could've been in the Blade Runner soundtrack. As long as you slow it down 800% that is.

Here's the original song. It's the ultimate in its whateverness:

And here's the magic of the future's echo in the now:

J. BIEBZ - U SMILE 800% SLOWER by Shamantis

Let's see what you are going to will have thought of that... TOMORROW!

WTFNWTFD&D!?

(Why the Fuck Not What the Fuck D&D)

Zack and Steve on the cosmology of the D&D universe:

Z: Now I'm completely lost.

S: Maybe this will help explain everything.

Z: Alright, got it! I think we're good to go.

S: See, the bird headed guy shooting represents the Aztec Mythos as well as chaos.

Z: Just stop right there. I think I'm going to vomit.

S: That's a good sign. That means you've almost got it.

You guys have absolutely no reason not to ravenously dive into this series. Have ats:

WTF D&D!?

Oh Quelenna. Where art thou?

Here's my current work on the sketch of our adventuring group. Haven't traced all the stuff in the background yet and most of the characters are still at the basic coloring stage but since this is the first time I've gone for a painting-esque look (or what I could pretend to pass off as a painterly-esque) I'm pretty pleased. More to come.

This Spawned This

The Sith of Insane Pictures...

always come in pairs.

WHAT COMPANY NEEDS A STOCK PHOTO OF DROPPING A BABY!!?

Even I'm confused.

D&D: because sharks aren't fucked up enough already

I'm glad that this is finally happening. Let's get it on.

The Video That Plays in My Own Personal Hell

The Predators have the best pop n' lock routines in the universe

I think I like this ending alot better!

I thought this would have ended differently

No way I saw this coming. Not at all.

*NSFW*

This Musical Festival is Perpendicular to Our Reality

I blacked out while watching this and when I awoke, I had clown-painted my face in my own blood and my walls were covered with unthinkable symbols.

About 20 minutes later my room fell back into step with the universe and so, now that I can connect to the outside world again (you lied to me Linksys - cross-dimensional computing my eye), I feel compelled to share this video with you. All I can say is that you have to watch the whole thing and, let us not forget, as the ancient sea beast of Ch'Ka Lo'Areth voicelessly whispers into the back of our dreams, "magic, all up in dis bitch":

A helping hand in case you can't find Myth II

Click this here link:

SHAZAM!

Ok, now you can directly download Myth II, the most recent patch, and probably a bunch of the current multiplayer maps and mods with considerable ease. You don't have any excuses now, MARCELLO!!!! Also, you two other gents should get it too. I just like ragging on Cello, but then again, who doesn't?

Anyways, CALL ME AND PLAY SOME TIME. I command you. We don't need to talk about what will happen if you defy me.

*addition: I had the wrong link earlier but that is now fixed. I tested the install out on my comp. It doesn't install it in the traditional fashion but rather it just unzips and then you can play the game from within the folder. Not my favorite way to do things, but hey, I'm not complaining about an amazing game, recently updated, and easily accessible for free.

!!IMPORTANT!!: Ok, so if you install using this (which I will say is very convenient since you don't have to download any patches or maps or anything) be aware that the controls are all switched around into a state of madness. The very first thing you should do once you get the game running is go to "settings," then go to "controls," and then click the "revert set" button to put the controls back to default. If you don't, control will be very hard and unintuitive (I just learned that while playing my first online game since playing again... it was a hillarious mess: "alright, time to go. I'll just go ahead a zoom out. Oh dear god I can't zoom. Ok, ok, that's fine, I'll just have a smaller viewing area. Wait, I can't move the camera. And the mini-map is gone... Wait is that an enemy dwarf? Fuuuuuuuuu..."). Ok, enjoy.

Ya know, I was just thinking...

It's been a while since I have tried (and failed) to get everyone to play a game of Myth. Well, Myth is among the games that this netbook can handle and I would sure to love to get a nice little Myth competition (or cooperation) going. So, everyone go and try to download Myth II: Soulblighter. It shouldn't take very long. Once you have the game installed go to this website:

Project Magma

Project Magma is the continuing community support for the game. Download the latest patch and I also suggest getting the Fallen Levels (essentially, the entire game from Myth I). If the moons align properly maybe we could even get a game or two in.

And remember, if you don't get the game, more good Dwarves will die.



*addition: if you want to play online (which you better), go register here at Marius. They run the primary servers for the game these days. In the game, initially the option that will appear is the Bungie official server but, as long as you have the update from Project Magma, if you poke around a little in the online menu (there should only be one or two tabs with a couple buttons each) then you will get a listing of the possible servers to log into. Choose Marius, log in, and then we will be able to meet up and make games.

**double addition: For multiplayer, you'll want to hit the tutorial (and probably the campaign a little at least - it has a good story too) and fiddle around with the characters some to get a feel for things. Particularly with dwarves and warlocks, try attacking the ground (ctrl+click with any unit to attack the ground) rather than actual enemies so that you can better control where your attack lands. Because of the more physical aspect of this game vs. other RTS, even though the controls are as straightforward as they get, it can be hard to get a hang of things. The number one thing to remember with this game is that, if you were to do everything right, you could win any fight without your troops taking any damage (that is, of course, insane; as a start, try to finish some single player levels with no casualties; the big secret is that melee units are for last ditch saves only).

***triple TRIPLE triple addition: you can probably tell that this is at least one of my favorite games ever if not my very favorite.

I have one question though:

Where is the button to make a crazy voice shout "SKATE OR DIE" at you.



Really goddamn impressive though.

You want EVEN MORE amazing Teamups?!?!

Damn you, you greedy bastards!

OOOOHHHH HEEEEELLLLLL YEEEEEESSS!!!!!!

s

More epic Teamup action! This one is real too!

The Brave & the Bold

Team Up Time!

My eyes began to water...

while I was watching this video. I had to make sure not to blink or else I would miss how fucking fast those kicks and punches were moving.



Guy's a legend for a reason. I felt sorry for the old guy who had to try to stand still in front of this composed onslaught.

What's up my ninja's!

Ninja please.....

More here. Genius.

Well I just have no idea what to say...

According to this article, this is a super hero dance show. They are dancers...with super powers....uh?


LXD "Moments" Trailer from Jon M. Chu on Vimeo.

On and On

This is a pretty sweet music video about everyone's favorite mutant badass.

Oh the Things I Have Seen...

That's the internet alright! WHEEE!

SUPER CROSSOVER FIVE MILLION GO!

Maybe you have seen this...or maybe you are now lost to the internet.

  FOR-EV-ER.

This man crossed the dog nation and he will never live it down

In commemoration of the new layout, here is something I stole from Q-Beezy's blog.

Zibbidy doo!

I played around with the format in trying to help us not go crazy with video and picture embedding stupidity.

Let's see how it works out.

We've all been at this very moment

When we freak the fuck out over something fucking incredible in Smash Bros, and scream out: "My dick is hard"...this just made me nostalgic.

Where's the PC games spokesman?

Ohh, there he is.... in the corner... slowly bleeding to death... from self-inflicted wrist wounds.

*grrrr how do you get this bitch-ass website to properly scale to the content being displayed? If I make a picture small then it's tiny. If it's big its HUGE. Medium sort of works but now the photos have stopped including links. And let's not even talk about Youtube embeds.

Can I has child abuze?

Cats are cute and all but their parenting hasn't progressed one step since 1958.

The Cutest Homophobia Ever

So, I am pretty sure that this talk is being run by the guys who normally run the sunday school at the hate-mongering Christian fundamentalist church. I'm not sure why. Maybe all the A-level teams had scheduling conflicts. Maybe homophobic extremists have an off-season and some gay rights legislation was strategically launched during that period. Whatever the cause, these guys just don't seem to be able to inspire the standard hate-rage. They never seem to get past cutesie "room full of pre-schoolers" rage.

Normally with homphobes, as with any other biggots, I am annoyed or angry, but these childish flounderings are just soooooooo cute.

p.s. when I saw this on SomethingAwful's Awfulvision, the page header was "Nuke a Gay Poop-Eating Whale for Jesus." I get the "for Jesus" and the "Poo-Eating" and the "Nuke" can be inferred but I am still looking for the "Whale." Help with this would be appreciated.

addition: regretfully, looking into this, Martin Ssempa and the anti-gay movement in Uganda is pretty vicious... Sigh, humanity, can't you let me laugh for one second before further saddening me.

Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk - Now Online!

Try to imagine every that every single space station/giant space ship/futuristic space colony you have seen in a movie, read about in a comic book, or experienced in a video game was one location. Well not just that, but every problem of every one of those things is occurring in one location. Welcome to Ares station.

You can now, with great reading pleasure, experience what it is like to live as a crew member on Ares station via the updates such a person would have regular access to through information kiosks placed around the station.

Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk Archive

These can be a little on the long side, but, when you have time to sit down and read one, it is very pleasant. I have only made it through the 4th entry, but it definitely seems to be much better if you read them in order. Alright gents, enjoy and I look forward to seeing you IN THE FUTURE-uture-ture-ture...

Fun New Dance Craze or Concussion Inducing Madness?

A little from column A) . . .

I figured Fabe could do with a little semi-adult-related fun since the fiance (pronounced "fee-yontz") is off for her bachelorette party. Not as if we didn't just have a bachelor party last weekend or anything like that.

Despite being on Youtube this isn't even remotely safe for work so I will just put a link instead of embedding.

Surra de Bunda

So you think he's smiling because he is having a great time or because the concussion is setting in and he is losing his sense of reality? Personally I think it is time to report back to our two columns.

p.s. Sure I appreciate a pretty lady with a sense of fashion but that belt aint foolin' nobody.

p.p.s. Can't forget the Wikipedia article explaining it either.

Some hippies and trust-fund kids are about to get raped.

So Valve, you have let those genital-free, champagne tasting fish-boys into our game. That's cool. I have just one message for them:

I'll be looking for assholes with earbuds on. I wonder, what do birkenstocks smell like when they burn?

Oh, and I lied. I have two messages:

There is a whole new meaning to "class warfare."

BTZ

Yeaaaaaaah...

Something Fishy on Failblog

So, as part of my standard procrastination rituals, I popped on to failblog.org for a quick browse. Doing so I came across this story:

It's the standard failblog fare; embarassing but not too surprising. But wait... Something is off about this story. If I didn't know better, I would say that someone involved in this story was lying.

Huh... I just can't put my finger on it. Must be my imagination. Oh well, have a good day gents and hopefully, the next time we talk this paper will be dead.

Does he mean to harm these commoners?

Read.

None of My Video Game Heroes Are This Decked Out :/

Gears of War 3 Armor Analysis

When APB drops, I'll definitely have to add 8-10 more layers of random shit to my character to bring him up to snuff. With his current limited armoring and actual mobility (even in his outfits consisting of multiple layers) he has got to be violating a building code or something.

P.S. if any of your friends seem interested in APB, demoralize them until they buy it and then tell them to hop on between the 26th of June and the 2nd of July. Non-compliance will be punished with a dog being sent to gnaw upon your face. Compliance will be rewarded with a small dog being sent to gnaw upon your face.

P.P.S. Fuck. I'm procrastinating again. Back to work for me.

Ibn Doom and the Edge of Eternity

So APB is getting right up on release (June 29th, for pre-orders June 26th) and the beta NDA has been lessened/dropped. Some unpleasantries have happened, well, just 1: the game will have a $10 per month subscription fee for access to the action district (the social/customization area is free, but you have to play missions to unlock customization content so really just the social district is free). The game is still fun though and the changes they are proposing to the various systems for release sound really good.

I am not excited about going against my previous personal decision not to pay monthly fees, but fine. I guess if I cut out buying the occasional package of junk-food, $10 won't make any real difference to my monthly expenses.

Well anyway, you'll have to forgive my complaining. I actually decided to post in promotion of the game, or more specifically, in promotion of the crazy customization system. As you guys have seen, I have been wildly excited about this game and that led to tons of sketches like this where I was planning out my look:



Now, normally, everyone would see a plan like this and say, "come on Cyrus, that's cool and all, but do you really think that a video game's customization will let you do even 1/10th of that." I probably would have admitted defeat before, but not fucking now:







I have been able to make literally every tattoo I planned to do (I didn't unlock all the symbols so there were some I didn't finish during beta). Customization is utterly ridiculous. I am impressed with what I have been allowed to do, but some of the stuff I have seen is utterly mind blowing. The following designs are all done from scratch:









And howabout a couple familiar faces:







So yeah, this may not be enough to convince those of you with more iron clad bans against monthly subscriptions than I have, but certainly, APB has lived up to its claims about customization. Combat has its holes but its fun and hopefully it is getting better. I feel good about the game and I hope you gents will think about joining Fabe and I in-game.

Amazing.

Nope, that is all.

So... is this... a PSA?

Too much sexy can kill and it could happen unexpectedly at any moment. Even during the riveting mine-themed finale of your sexy music video.

So... is this... awesome?

They keep talking about the wish master. That seems okay. The story in the video seems to be about some LARPers who are competing in their own made up version of Legends of the Hidden Temple. I don't know if that's awesome. Of course, they might not be LARPers at all, they might work at Medieval Times. If that's true, this definitely isn't cool.

I guess my biggest hangup is the fact that the band is sort of like a ... well, they're a heavy metal choir. Neither of those things seems particularly awesome to me. Metalocalypse is pretty awesome, but that's sort of making fun of heavy metal. And choirs aren't very awesome at all. But there was that choir that did a capella video game themes. That was cool. And the children's choir that did "Still Alive" was pretty impressive.

Damn. I'm just really not sure. Help me out here. I really need to know if this is awesome.

Beastwars!

I think I love this show more than regular Transformers. No, I know I love this show more than regular transformers. This video get's really awesome/weird, really quick. Check it:

Take a Deep Breath

Well, APB is nearing completion so I will soon go from hype mode to "you've gotta buy this game" mode. Mind you, there is the huge let down: they said "no required subscriptions and no microtransactions." What that really meant was "free access to the social district and customizers (with purchase of the game) but yes to required subscriptions to access the action district (i.e. where you actually play the game/unlock 95% of the customization content) and yes to microtransactions if you want to send a friend anything." Ugh, their business model is total bullshit, but they got really quiet after the community at large took a flaming shit on the announcement. Even the beta community flipped and a huge number of players disappeared from the forums and the servers (and the beta community is supposed to be composed of players they have "in the bag"). I am still holding out hope that Real Time Worlds won't be total dick masters, but I'm also realistic. Change probably won't happen for months after release if change happens at all. Oh well. Life continues.

And so, moving on, I can't possibly let you guys get away without me hyping up yet another game. Man, I have a bad track record for my games right now. Stalker -- complete let down. Spore -- interesting but not what I hoped for. APB -- awesome game but the company just lied their asses off about the business model. So here's the next in my failure train: Guild Wars 2.

A couple of us have played the original GW. I dug it for being sort of MMOish while having an unusual and exciting combat system (somewhere between real time FF tactics and collectible card games). Well the second game purports to be even more MMOey, more immersive storywise (which the first one was insanely groundbreaking for in terms of creating an ongoing storyline in an MMO), more interesting mission and group dynamics, still no monthly fees, blah de blah de blah.

Rather than me tell you about it, just check out what the designers are saying themselve: here

Now, having read that article, their goals are literally flying up in outer space right now, possibly attempting to collect one of each color of power ring. It's totally insane. And while I, for the sake of my own sanity, expect that they can't possibly live up to all of their plans, if even some of these elements make it into the final game, then it will make for a really solid game. GW was great, so, hopefully GW2 will be even better.

Okies, that's it for now. Expect to hear from me around the beginning of July when APB drops. Oh and Fabe is having a bar mitzvah or a wedding or something around then too. I'm sure we'll talk about that at some point as well :D. Alright gents. Talk to you soon.

Cutting and slicing pig parts for the glory of Great-swords.

What gets me is that of the things they kill in the video, the most satisfying part comes at lunging at a balloon with a big fucking sword.

This is pretty tragic...

ALLY HILLARIOUS!!!!

No this really is pretty horrible, but I just can't stop laughing.

"BLOCKS KEEP FALLING and you need to GET THE MEGA BOOST!"

I don't know about you guys, but this pretty much sums up gaming for me.

*puts hands on head in amazement* WHAT!?

Oh my god. We all have to see this movie. Rodriguez... you've done it again.

Sorry, I couldn't embed this time. SO WATCH IT THROUGH THE LINK DAMN YOU.

Oh, and here is the smaller, softer version of video for lady-like internet connections.

Q Beezy originally showed me this and now I present it to you.

"I'm not worried about the black birds; they're not the dangerous animal. It's the human species that's the dangerous, menacing, and terrifying animal."

Yeah, but the birds have a scary theme song and it looks like they sometimes just fly into something and explode...

Tom Baker, has anyone ever told you, you are amazing

TEN PAGE RANT ABOUT BREASTS

SOMETHING AWESOME indeed.

You need to read this. Then you need to read this to your children. But most importantly, you need to read this to your children's children because when they are born, they probably won't even know what a boob is, the world will be so pixelated. I can see, hear, and smell your grandson right now and he is asking you, "grandpa, is that a chesty broad over there?" and then you rasp through your legally required vocoder, "no my boy, that's just a man folding his arms in a weird way while wearing a blonde headdress. Or maybe its an oddly shaped pile of bandages sitting next to a mop. You know, I'm not really sure. All these pixels make it really hard to look at breasts." Then you will reminisce about how you used to perv-out over boobs all the time and you will let out a single perv tear, but everyone will freak the hell out and force you to go to the hospital because they think your tear is your whole eyeball just falling out (those pixels really make it hard to figure stuff out) and even when you tell them that both of your eyes are still there, they will not understand you because of how much that vocoder throws things off. Yeah. Smell that. It's your future.

Oh, and when I say that the Something Awful article is ten pages, I mean ten very short pages. So check that out. Alright, I think I caught all the horrifying typos this time. Sleep for my face.

Cyrus forgot a couple of things

There's no point in watching the AMAZING video Cyrus just posted if you're not looking at all of the great parodies:

SNL's Parody - The Outrageous Clown Squad

Cracked.com's Textbook for Juggalos

Thank you 4-Chan. Way to break it down in three sweet panels

It's too bad

That there isn't an emoticon that can express of the confusion that I am feeling right now:

I swear, this will be my last post for a little while.

NO! We shall be THIS man:

Sorry for all the Old Spice adds. They are just doing amazing things right now. Also, all his muscle dancing is probably going to make me vomit.